Dealing with Triggers After the Loss of a Loved One: Finding Relief in Glimmers

One of the most challenging aspects of any grief journey is the presence of triggers—moments, sights, sounds, or memories that suddenly bring back the intense feelings of loss and sorrow. Triggers can be unpredictable, happening in the middle of a routine day, leaving you feeling overwhelmed and vulnerable.

However, it’s not all sorrow and pain. Alongside these emotional triggers, there are moments of beauty, comfort, and even joy that can emerge unexpectedly—glimmers. These little sparks of positivity are the opposite of triggers, offering small moments of relief that can help lift the weight of grief. In this article, we explore what triggers are, how to cope with them both in the moment and in the long term, and how to identify and embrace glimmers in your everyday life.

Triggers are events, objects, or situations that stir up deep emotional responses tied to grief. These can bring you back to the moment of your loss, and in some cases, can feel almost as intense as the initial grief. Triggers can be both physical (such as visiting a place you went with your loved one) and emotional (such as hearing a song that reminds you of them). The experience of being "triggered" can evoke feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, or longing.

Some common triggers include:

• Anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays: These dates often bring forward memories of the time spent with your loved one and the absence you now feel.
• Sights and smells: A particular flower, an item of clothing, or even a smell that reminds you of your loved one can evoke a flood of emotions.
• Songs and sounds: Music was often a significant part of your shared memories, and hearing a song they loved—or one that was playing when you spent time together—can stir up feelings of loss.
• Certain locations: A place you visited together, whether it’s a restaurant, park, or holiday spot, can immediately trigger a strong emotional reaction.

While triggers can be deeply emotional, it’s possible to manage them in the moment with the right coping strategies. Here are some techniques for dealing with emotional triggers when they arise:

1. Pause and Breathe

When a trigger catches you off guard, take a moment to pause. Stop whatever you’re doing and focus on your breath. Slowly inhale through your nose, hold it for a few seconds, and then exhale gently. Breathing deeply can help calm the body’s physical response to the trigger and allow you to regain control over your emotions.

2. Ground Yourself

Grounding techniques are simple practices that can help you reconnect with the present moment. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by a trigger, try focusing on your surroundings. Touch something around you—such as a piece of furniture or the texture of your clothes—and pay attention to the sensations. You could also count backward from 10 to help bring your mind back to the here and now.

3. Acknowledge Your Feelings

Sometimes, it’s helpful to allow yourself to experience the grief that a trigger brings. Remind yourself that what you’re feeling is normal. Grief doesn’t have a set timeline, and it’s okay to feel sadness, anger, or even confusion. Allow yourself to express these emotions in a healthy way—whether that’s through crying, journaling, or talking to a supportive friend.

4. Practice Self-Compassion

When triggered, you might feel overwhelmed by emotions you thought you had already processed. It’s important to be kind to yourself. Remind yourself that grieving is not linear and that experiencing waves of grief, even months or years after the loss, is completely normal. Offer yourself words of comfort, just as you would for a close friend.

5. Take a Break

If a trigger becomes too much to handle in the moment, it’s okay to take a step back. Give yourself permission to leave a situation that’s emotionally overwhelming. Whether it’s taking a walk, finding a quiet space to be alone, or simply stepping away from an activity, giving yourself time and space can help you process the emotional response.

In the long term, it’s important to create a toolkit for managing triggers that might arise unexpectedly. While triggers will likely continue to occur, there are steps you can take to build resilience over time and reduce their impact.

1. Build a Support Network

Having a support network of family, friends, or grief counsellors can help you navigate moments of emotional distress. When triggers arise, talking to someone who understands your grief can bring comfort. Support groups, either in-person or online, can also be helpful for connecting with others who are going through similar experiences.

2. Create New Memories

While it’s impossible to replace the memories of your lost loved one, creating new memories in their honour can help shift the focus from the absence to the love that remains. This might include continuing traditions that were meaningful to both of you or finding new ways to celebrate their life. Creating new rituals around significant dates—such as lighting a candle on their birthday or volunteering for a cause they cared about—can help honour their memory while creating positive, forward-moving moments.

3. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness practices can help you stay grounded in the present, which is particularly useful when confronted with triggers. Meditation, mindful walking, or simply paying attention to your surroundings in a moment of peace can help you return to the present and calm your mind when old emotions resurface.

4. Seek Professional Help

Grief can be complex, and sometimes triggers can feel overwhelming to manage on your own. A professional grief counsellor or therapist can help you work through your emotions and teach you effective coping strategies tailored to your experience.

While triggers can bring intense feelings of grief, there are also moments that can offer relief—glimmers. These are small, often fleeting moments of beauty, joy, or comfort that provide a brief respite from the heaviness of grief. Glimmers can feel like a gentle reminder that there is still goodness and light in the world, even in the midst of loss.

Unlike triggers, which can take you back to the painful reality of grief, glimmers are moments that offer emotional healing, even if only for a short while. These moments can bring joy, peace, or a sense of connection to your lost loved one.

• A Robin in the Garden: For many people, seeing a robin is a comforting symbol of a loved one’s presence. If your loved one was fond of birds, this might feel like a little visit from them.
• A Song on the Radio: Hearing your loved one’s favourite song playing unexpectedly in the background can be a moment that feels like a message or a sign that they’re still with you in spirit.
• A Sudden Smile or Laughter: Sometimes, you might catch yourself or someone else smiling or laughing at a memory of your loved one. These glimmers of light can bring a moment of joy amidst the sadness.
• The Smell of Their Favourite Food: If you catch a whiff of a dish that your loved one used to cook or enjoy, it can feel like a comforting connection to their memory.

To experience glimmers, it’s often necessary to be present and aware of the small moments in life. Grief can sometimes cloud your ability to notice the beauty around you, but taking time to pay attention to the little things—such as the warmth of the sun, the sound of children playing, or the appearance of a favourite flower—can help you see these glimmers more clearly.

Even in the darkest moments, glimmers remind us that life still holds moments of joy, peace, and connection. These fleeting moments of relief can offer hope and remind you that, while grief is a journey, it is also one filled with both sorrow and moments of unexpected light.

Grief can be a complex and unpredictable journey, but it’s important to remember that you don’t have to face it alone. Triggers can bring overwhelming emotions, but by using coping strategies and seeking support, you can manage their impact. At the same time, glimmers offer a reminder that beauty and joy still exist in the world, even after the loss of a loved one.

By acknowledging both the triggers and the glimmers, and allowing yourself to feel the full range of emotions, you can find a sense of balance as you navigate life after loss. In time, glimmers will become more noticeable, bringing moments of peace and comfort that help to carry you through the process of grieving.